A long chatty post is coming up so I suggest you grab a large alcoholic drink and some chocolate. This is a post I have been debating on whether to write for a long long time but part of me feels ready. It’s a hard subject for me to even want to share but I want this blog to be real and relatable. And that means sharing the good with the bad. Part of me feels that I need to write about this before I can move on. So here goes I guess.
Have you ever had a best friend who you could totally rely on? You knew they would be there for you no matter what, even in the middle of the night. And you would do just about anything for them. I had that one person once. We would spend hours on the phone, meet up regularly and more often than not we would be putting the world to rights over a glass or three of prosecco.
I devoted so much of my life to her when she needed me, even when it wasn’t always convenient for me. That’s what being a friend means to me. She often referred to me as her bestie, a word that causes me pain to hear now. Even if I hear it in a song I have to turn it off.
She went through a rough patch and lost her job. After a few months she was offered a new job. We were all so happy for her and supported her in her new venture. But after a while things started to change and not for the better. Every time she came over the conversation was always about her new work colleagues. No matter what we chatted about it always came back to them and how great they were. Naturally I didn’t notice much at the time and just assumed she was getting on well. There were always excuses to why she couldn’t meet up. Of course, there would be posts on social media of her spending time with her new work friends. Eventually, she stopped replying to texts to meet up and would blatantly ignore me and other friends. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy she had made friends at work and was settling in well. But surely you don’t forget about those who have been there the longest?
A few weeks went by and I messaged to tell her I missed my best friend. Words cannot describe how deeply it hurt to see she had read my message and ignored it. Like my feelings didn’t matter or count. A few months later and she well and truly cut off the friends who had been there and supported her no matter what. All in favour of a new group of friends. What really irks me now is how she was always saying she would be there no matter what. That she would be forever loyal to her friends no matter what. I was stupid enough to believe her. I guess it was all lies.
She was someone who I shared my deepest secrets with and she could just cut me off like I didn’t matter anymore. Like she had got what she wanted from me. The last time I seen her, my husband and I spent the entire day helping her move into her new flat. It hurts me deeply to think that she must have just used us. She knew full well how treating me in this way would affect me and she done it anyway. Due to things in my past that I won’t go into here, I have a deep mistrust of people. That they’ll hurt me and I cannot trust them. Part of me doesn’t know what’s wrong with me. Why no one wants to be my best friend, a partner in crime. Am I really such a bad person?
You know, someone recently said that sometimes you have to love yourself enough to let someone go. Whether it be for your happiness or theirs. In this case, I have to let her and the memories of our friendship go for my own happiness and sanity. I’ve wasted too much time being hurt and angry, and in all honesty, if she can treat people like this she clearly doesn’t deserve to have good friends. Being Irish, I often say I’m too nice and too generous for my own good. I’d give up my last £1 to someone who needed it more.
I daresay it will be a long time before I ever allow anyone to become so close to me again. Part of me hopes that my ex best friend will get in contact one day and we can restore our friendship. I’ll always hold out hope for that but part of me also thinks it probably won’t happen. She’s too stubborn to want to ever admit what she’s done wrong and how she’s treated people. My name is probably mud with her and her new friends now. I’ll be the bad guy like all the other people she’s ditched over the years.
Sometimes we have to experience the hurt and the pain to remember how strong we really are. Times like these can also show who your real friends are. Because it’s only those who genuinely care about you that will stand the test of time. There comes a time in your life when you only have time for those who display true loyalty. That they’ll be there no matter what and vice versa. Make time only for those people who don’t just take but give back. A relationship of any kind is a two way street.
While I might not be ok now, and the hurt and pain is still very much there, I’m strong and I will recover. One day the things that remind me of her won’t hurt anymore and I’ll make new memories. And maybe one day soon I’ll be able to enjoy a glass of prosecco again and it won’t remind me of her. Even though she probably won’t ever see this, I do wish her well with her life. I still wish she was part of mine even if she doesn’t wish me part of hers.
If you’ve made it this far into this post, go grab another drink! Hopefully my next post is more light hearted 🙂
Until next time